Idk but I'm just not in the mood now.
I feel like I have no right to laugh now, even if I read some dumb situations over the net.
My mom just called and after 2 consecutive lucks, it's a misfortune again. HUUUUUUUU as in a sigh coming from underground. Where did I go wrong? I even prayed the rosary and ask the Lord to guide her, that she may win in the game again. I even positively thought that she got called for the raffle but sill there's none!! <///3
No, I'm not complaining to the Divine Providence. I want to rant about my mom who has been ruining all my plans..
I know I should not hate her, I don't hate her. I pity her, at the same time, I'm pissed off. Pissed off of how she's living her life, pissed off of her attitude towards money and people, I'm actually rattled everyday when I'm with her.
If God did not give me these people in my life (hi fandom and friends), I would not survive. I am really grateful. It's actually frustrating that it's always not enough, I want to cry..
OKAY NOW TEARS ARE FLOWING.
I'm actually in the office rn, so spare me from this drama. There are like 2 guys with me here, it's a good thing there's a divider in my area. If they see me crying, I may just pretend that I'm watching a movie or drama that I usually do when I want to cry.
It's always not enough. I feel blessed, yes. Fortunate among millions of people that found it difficult to get by each passing day.
Luckily, I have this blog that no one knows. I can write anything I want. Without any pretensions. It's actually the first time I'm ranting in my blog. Well, I do tweet about my frustrations and depressions, but it's not really all that.
But I wonder why I still ask for more blessings? I'm quite guilty about it. I'm so sorry Lord.
Somehow, I'm actually forcing myself to pray for my mom's victory BUT I REALLY WANT TO.
It's just that, a part of me is of course, contradicting that, because what I want is my mom to get a job and just not depend on gambling.
I know I know, she's been telling me that it's the only way.. I can't argue more, I actually understand why she has thought that. Whenever I advise her to find a job, it all comes back to me 'cos she's telling me that my job ain't enough to support them LIKE WHUT ok, I actually get it but I can't really just do it alone, can I? I'm even giving her my salary! So what more does she want? We have a lot of liabilities, that's her fault!! If she persevere and get a stable job and does not go for just an easy money then we won't have a lot of problems by now.
Alright, I've said a lot, I have to calm myself.
What's irking me, really.. is that.. she's still not certain of paying the 25k she owe my friend even when she promised to pay it by the end of the month. I am really hoping she'll pay it PLEASE LORD I'm so sorry for my shortcoming, for my mom's sins, please let her go this time I'M ALWAYS ASKING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN my mom keeps repeating her sins, please don't punish her yet ;; because a lot in our family are affected :(( I don't know how can I change my mom, I don't know the right formula. I actually changed already, trying to understand her, even my sister adds up to that stress cos they share the same attitude. I'm actually tired of understanding them but still, I have to.
Hayyy LIFE! DREAMS, when will I be able to achieve you with this state. Is it me who's been lacking? I've been pondering a lot about things lately and that Epilogue in Manila ticket announcements, happened.
LORD, thank you for that blessing, for allowing the advance reservation but please don't take away the good things that's been happening to my mom. It's what sustains us. I am really SORRY! I'm actually saying it on her behalf, Sorry for all the mistakes. Lord, please let her win. Please let there be a miracle this week that we'll be able to get our hands on a gold without doing anything bad, without owing anyone. Is that even possible? But with you, all things are possible.
Uwaaa~ I've said a lot here. No one's gonna read this so I don't need to let anyone understand me.
All I pray is the 25k to be earned by Thursday so I can pay my friend and that way, my cousin and I can purchase Pulp Royalty, so we can achieve our goals to meeting one of our bias groups.
God, sorry for being materialistic. This is gonna be my last splurge for Kpop, I'm sure of it. I will just focus myself on saving up after and just doing meaningful things for the fandom, helping out. I guess my time and effort would just be enough to show them my support.
HUUU please just let this love reach my idols. I don't even know if they'll ever know me. Oh well, they're working hard to make me happy even in a short period of time.
Maybe I should just listen to some Catholic songs to calm myself.. Sorry for a long post of frustration, I just have to let it out before it pile up.
Thanks Typepad, for letting me write this
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